dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize