I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
