My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
