my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize