At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
