i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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