I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
