My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
