So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize