His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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