Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
