it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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