Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize