OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
