I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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