miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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