The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
