Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
