I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Randomize
