Just fell off a train. Bad.
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
