he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Randomize
