What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
