We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
