Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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