Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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