sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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