Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize