Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
