well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
