hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i was born a porn star she said
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
