ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize