I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
