it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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