rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
