I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize