it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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