She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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