I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
false alarm. still invincible.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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