I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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