I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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