sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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