yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
