epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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