does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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