I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
