I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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