I will die if light touches me.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
