i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
