You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
