If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He better not be in your backpack
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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