did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize