Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
