I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
As shirtless as possible
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
