She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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