i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
