I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
