is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
